I’m no stranger to dating apps, for the past four years I’ve been on Tinder, Bumble, OkCupid and Happn. Tinder and Bumble are the ones I’ve been on the most, OkCupid was interesting for about a month until all the creepy messages started irritating me and Happn only lasted a day on my phone. I find that Tinder has a lot of guys who just want to hookup and will 100% ghost you if you don’t put out. Bumble has less fuckboys than Tinder and more guys who actually want to date you. OkCupid is just a complete mess full of weird dudes and Happn is legitimately a stalking app. None of them are truly great and I’m still using them.
However, I’m still single and that could be because in 4 years of trying dating apps I’ve only gone on 5 dates and only one of those dates turned into a second date. So, what’s the problem, is it me or the apps? I’ve come to the realization that it is me because I get anxious and uncomfortable with the idea of meeting guys off dating apps. I overthink everything that could go wrong, if I look different in person or if the date is going to be super awkward. Yet, every once in a while, I’ll go on one in the effort to make myself think that I’m trying to ‘put myself out there’. But, even though I’ll go on dates, I still hate them because I never know what to except out of the date or how to be a normal human being and behave accordingly. I usually do my best to act outgoing during a date even if on the inside, I just want to go in bed, watch TV and pine over fictional characters.
Meeting new people in a sort of forced environment makes me feel awkward and I don’t understand how some people like it. I don’t enjoy putting myself out there, is it because I’m scared of getting hurt? Probably, I mean I have a lot of issues when it comes to trusting guys (thanks dad!) and it’s getting so frustrating since I feel as if there’s something wrong with me. I feel like I should be meeting new people and socializing to make new friends or connections. But there’s something holding me back and I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried giving them up, yet every time I get bored or one of my friends gets a boyfriend I re-download one. I’m also not great at talking to guys at bars, partly due to my social anxiety, and because I’m a bit weird looking (resting bitch face wooo). So, what do you guys think, should I try dating apps some more or delete them and try to meet someone organically?
Ok, I know this probably sounds weird but I need help with my life. I feel like I’ve been playing it safe and hiding out from the world for far too long. Although, I’ve gotten better since school (I actually go out and socialize now lol), I still need some change. The only problem is that I’m really bad at making decisions and I tend to just avoid them. So, I decided to take a note from a book I loved reading back in high school called My Life Undecided. In that book, the main character decides to create a blog where people can vote on her life so that she doesn’t make any bad decisions.
Which is where you guys come in! Every week I’m going to have polls about something in my life that you guys can vote on. No matter what my feelings are towards the situation, I will do what the winning poll says. I need you guys to help me make my life more exciting and to keep me from shying away from any opportunities. I need to put myself out there more and I’m hoping you guys will help!
So here it goes. I’m moving back to Toronto next week for university and I have the option to go back to my greasy old job or try something new. I don’t really want to go back to the theatre (long hours of making food, ugh) but I also really need a job since I’m pretty broke right now. So what should I do, play it safe or risk it?
When I was 8 years old my mom decided to sign me up for a 2-week theatre summer camp. She did this because I was so shy and barely spoke in social situations. Well, I ended up loving it and since then acting has been my passion. Watching theatre plays, movies and TV shows have always solidified my dream to act. I’ve taken theatre and acting on camera classes for over 11 years and they’ve always filled me with hope. I love learning about theatre and meeting others who are also passionate about acting. But, as I grew older my self-esteem started to falter even though my dreams only got bigger. I kept taking theatre classes throughout high school yet my self-esteem was very low and it affected the way I acted. I was so sacred and anxious to act or to try because of how I’d look or how others would see me. Eventually, those insecurities became too much and when I moved away to Toronto for University – I stopped acting. At the time, I did have an agent (I got one when I was 15) but since my headshots hadn’t been updated for a while, I wasn’t getting any auditions. Of course, that stumped me for a bit and I found myself in a rut. So, I pushed it all down, pressed ‘pause’ on my dreams, and focused on my new life as a University student. Fast forward to three years later and I binged watch this TV show that sparked something inside of me. My dreams and my passion for acting have bubbled back up to a point that I can’t ignore it anymore. I have to get back on stage, It’s where I’ve always felt the most comfortable and gotten that sense of belonging. However, those insecurities that got me to stop acting are still there. They aren’t as intense as they used to be (thanks to my therapist!) but I still haven’t accepted myself fully. The thought of putting myself out there and letting others judge me so point-blank is absolutely terrifying. I know its a part of the acting world but it’s intimidating as hell. Which is why I’m scared to try again and let myself feel hopeful that my dreams could come true. But, if I don’t try I’ll regret it and that scares me just as much.
Some people might find this silly since acting is such a hard industry to succeed in but what if? What if I could make my dreams come true? And even if I don’t, which is a total possibility, why not let myself try. I feel like I should give myself the opportunity to try it again, even if it means I’ll have to work extremely hard to attempt to reach my goals. Yet there’s still that part of me that’s scared of rejection and wants to hide away to avoid that anxiety.
Have you guys ever dealt with struggling to handle your dreams? If yes, what did you do?
Let me know if you have advice for me or understand what I’m feeling!
Every girl has that one type of crush that’s like kryptonite. Whether it’s a sports player, actor, artist, hipster or a ‘bad boy (or girl). In my case, my weakness are guys in bands and I know that a lot of them are ‘bad news’. But, I can’t help it. There’s something about a guy on a stage with a guitar, microphone or at the drums that hits me hard. Like yes, I’ll listen to you sing/play and I will most definitely swoon. Now, I’m not saying that I want to be a groupie and follow these band guys around the country. Which I’m sure is fun and I applaud the girls and boys who do that but it’s not my thing. I prefer to get fangirl obsessed with a guy in a band, follow him on all social media’s and then listen to all his songs on repeat. Most of the time the guy’s I’ll crush on are at a level of fame where he would be unattainable to me *cough* Harry Styles *cough*. However, last year I developed a h u g e crush on a drummer who was in a very small indie-pop band. We met in the summer and next thing I now we were regularly snapchatting and texting. I was so happy because it felt awesome knowing that a guy in a band was somewhat into me plus, it helped my self-esteem a bit. We ended up getting coffee one day after my shift at work had finished and it went well. Or so I thought. A few days after our ‘date’ the guy completely ghosted me and proceeded to unfollow me on Instagram, on my birthday. It broke my heart a bit because we had been talking for 6 months and he never gave me a reason why he stopped talking to me. I was so sure I had done something wrong but eventually realized he just wasn’t into me which is totally fine. I still wish that he had handle it a bit better instead of just pretending like nothing had happened but oh well.
Flash forward a year later, I get text from my best friend of this hot guy. Obviously, he’s in a band and obviously, I follow him on Instagram because why not. He follows me back and adds me on snapchat. I’m still not sure why but I guess my selfies aren’t as bad as I think they are. We started talking on snapchat a little bit with most of our conversations having to do with why we live so far apart. For about a month we stopped talking, I got busy with finals and he went on tour.
May rolls around and I’m back in my hometown living at my parent’s house for the summer. One day, my best friend who’s really into the punk rock scene asks me if I want to go to a show with her. I’m always down to go see live music so I said yes. And guess who’s in one of the opening bands, the guy I was snapping the previous month. It made me a bit anxious because he’s a lot hotter in person and well, I’m not. So, during the main band’s act I spotted him from across the room as he went upstairs. Like the creep that I am, I told my friends I was going to the washroom and went upstairs too. I bump into him and act surprised to see him. We chatted for a bit, all good stuff not awkward at all (thanks to alcohol). The show ends so we both go find our friends and I head over to a bar with my girls. Throughout the night, we were snapchatting and we’ve been talking on there since then (7 day snap streak woo). The only problem is that he lives in another country because of course, the one band guy who seems somewhat interested in me lives really far away. So here I am, complaining about my sorta-almost love life. It’s as if a part of me knows that it won’t work out and I go towards it instead of not wasting my time and dating someone who’s more vanilla and in my city. Or maybe I’m attracted to the drama of it all, who knows. The only thing I’m certain of, is that I don’t know what to do about my pathetic love life. Toss me some advice if you have any…
This past weekend I had the opportunity to travel to New York city for one of my best friend’s birthday’s. It was 3 days packed with walking, eating and doing touristy activities. I have to admit, prior to visiting NYC it never occurred to me that I’d want to live or work there one day. I always saw myself as more of an L.A. person (cliché actor thoughts). But I have to say, New York has a piece of my heart now and I can’t wait until I get to visit again. The architecture and atmosphere of the city really got to me, everything seemed so different or cool. And the shopping, oh my god the stores were so fun to walk into, especially the smaller ‘hip’ stores that we don’t have in Ottawa or Toronto. Other than the crazy need to j-walk at every intersection, I found that New Yorkers aren’t as scary as I thought they’d be (no offense new yorkers). There was a sort of nonchalant-no cares in the world type of vibe, which is good seeing as you can do or wear pretty much anything there and there’s not as much judgement. Also, can I just say how much I love Shake Shack! I’s so disappointed that there isn’t one where I live like it breaks my heart every day that I can’t have Shake Shack. Oh and I’m glad to announce that I had my Blair Waldorf moment on the Met steps like the basic bitch that I am.
So, other than being a total tourist and taking pictures of literally everything that came into my eyesight, we had one interesting ‘going out’ night. Friday night consisted of us getting Shake Shack, wine at the liquor store and spending 4 hours getting ready and pre-drinking. We left our hotel to find a bar at around midnight! Which is crazy for us because usually we get to bars/clubs before 11pm to get in for free. Anyways, after spending 40 minutes trying to find a fun bar near Times Square (not as easy as it may seem) we finally settled on the Iron Bar. They had some great early 2000’s music and very, very, strong drinks. So there we are drinking and singing along to the music when this random guy pops up and hands my friend’s sister a glass of champagne and says he’ll be at the table in front of ours if she wants to talk. Obviously, she didn’t drink it since he could’ve put something in it. It was kinda weird though as we’re used to guys talking to us then taking us to the bar to get a drink…that way we know there’s nothing sketchy in it. After that, this other random dude and his friends show up and order my friend a glass of wine (that she didn’t drink) and then they collect their shisha machine thing and plop it on our table and start to hang around us like what??? We don’t know you so please leave us alone thanksssss. I’d understand if we were being more responsive to them but we clearly were not into him or his friends. Especially after he kept trying to convince my friend to go to Korea town for karaoke. Like no sir, we do not know you, we’re from another country and thus we will not be following you to a part of a city that we know nothing about. I can totally see how that may come off as cold but I tend to be quite paranoid thanks to all the crime shows I’ve watched and following a stranger to a section of a city that has a high crime rate isn’t something that screams ‘safe’ to me. Then again, I’m sure people who are more adventurous would have gone and not found it weird but that’s not me. We ended just leaving and getting milkshakes at McDonalds because we are the picture of health and watching house hunters in our hotel. Quite the exciting bunch we are huh.
The next day was more walking around in SoHo and 5th avenue, which was super fun and made me cry a little bit at how expensive everything was. Then I almost cried again when I walked by the NBC studios, I was really hoping Colin Jost or another member of the SNL cast would be chilling out front. Obviously, there was no one there but it was still pretty cool to walk by it.
Overall, the trip was really fun and next time I go I’ll stay for a longer period of time to experience even more of New York