Why I Haven’t Been Writing

Hey guys, like I said in my last post I’m going to address why I haven’t been writing on my blog these past few months. Basically, I have depression and typically I’m happy and don’t get the usual symptoms for more than 2-3 a month. However, during the wintertime I’m always a little more depressed. I’m not sure if it’s due to the cold or the lack of sun but it happens. This year I’ve been feeling very unmotivated and constantly tired. I knew once those symptoms persisted for more than 2 weeks that my depression was hitting me a little harder. Of course, I told my psychologist and she helped me through it. One of the things I decided to do was to focus on getting my schoolwork done and my weekly articles for HerCampus. I felt that pushing myself to write every week for this blog was just too much. I’m sure most of you have gone through something similar that can totally understand what it feels like to be so overwhelmed and have zero energy.

Thankfully, it’s finally starting to get warm and sunny outside. I’m feeling a thousand times better and happier. Even though my school is on strike right now, which is messing with my routine, I’m feeling a lot more energetic and ready to get back to writing! I have so many stories and makeup hauls waiting to tell you guys about and I’m so excited about it.

I hope you guys have an amazing week!

xo,
– Melissa

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My 2018 Goals!

Can you believe the first 2 weeks of 2018 are already over? I’ve taken these 2 weeks to look back on the past year and to see which of my 2017 goals I accomplished and which ones I’ll be re-adding to my list. Every year I make a list on the notes app on my phone of things I want to do, accomplish or work on in the new year. I try not to look at the list until the end of the year so that whatever I checked off was because I wanted to do it and not because I pressured myself to complete a new year’s resolution. Most of the time I tend to forget some of the items I wrote down so it’s a bit of surprise to see what I can check off or what I didn’t do. The main reason why I do this is to see what I can accomplish when I set certain goals and how I grow within each year, oh and I love making lists. So, here are my main goals for 2018!

1. The typical ‘eat healthier’ goal.

For this year, I want to work on my eating habits, specifically my sugar and dairy intake. It’s a bit hard for me to eat super healthy right now as I am living in residence with access to a cafeteria for food (no kitchen access). Thankfully, I’ll be moving to an apartment with a kitchen in April. If anyone has any good and easy recipes for healthy meals please send them my way.

2. Graduate University by June 2019.

I was supposed to graduate this spring but I added a minor then switched my major & minor around which gave me an extra year of university to do. So now I’m majoring in Communications and minoring in Psychology. I’m hoping I’ll be graduating with honours in 2019 and to get all A’s.

3. Use an ‘exposure’ tactic for my anxiety.

I regularly go to therapy for my anxiety and self-esteem. My therapist is the best and she brought up the idea of exposure to help with my anxiety. Basically, this just means that I should expose myself to situations that flare up my anxiety the most to ways to handle my anxiety in uncomfortable situations and to get used to those situations (like parties, riding a crowded bus, large crowds, meeting new people etc.)

4. Write consistently.

This is a goal that I tried to accomplish in 2017. Last year I got a journal that I told myself I’d write in every day. I managed to do so for about 2 months then started writing in it less and less. Hopefully this year I can achieve my writing goal by posting more consistent posts on this blog.

5. Work on my sewing.

I used to love sewing back in high school but I stopped when I moved to Toronto for university. I’ve been wanting to get back into it and sew some skirts because I can never find what I want to wear at a store that’s not overly expensive. I’ve already gone to the fabric and got some beautiful fabrics to create a ‘circle’ or ‘skater’ skirt. I’ll post some pictures of the skirts once I finish sewing it!

So that’s it for some of my 2018 goals! I have a bunch more on my list but I wanted to talk about the 5 that I’m planning to work on the most. Hope everyone is having a great beginning to 2018 and comment your goals for this year down below.

xo,
-Melissa

What I got for Christmas 2017

I know this is a bit late but I finally got some time after dealing with a basement flood to sit down and write. This year my family and I celebrated Christmas at our cottage which was lovely. I always love coming home for the holidays, even though Ottawa is usually much colder than Toronto. Instead of writing about everything I received I decided to highlight my favourite gifts. So, here are some of my favourite gifts that I got this Christmas.

Kate Spade bag

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I’m so happy to have gotten the Cameron street Candace satchel in tusk from Kate Spade. I’m obsessed with this purse! It’s so pretty and has loads of space so I can carry around so many things. It’s definitely my new favourite purse.

Ann Taylor necklace

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My mother got me this adorable necklace from Ann Taylor. I love that it has little pieces inside the main pendant. She knows that I usually only wear gold jewelry so I love that she saw this and just knew I would like it and wear it often (which I have been). I didn’t own a low hanging pendant so this is a perfect addition to my small jewelry collection.

My 2018 planner and new journal

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I’m obsessed with how sparkly my 2018 planner is! I love getting yearly planners to write down what I have to do. Plus, it’s always a cute addition to my desk.

I also got a new journal with “Everything starts with a dream” quoted on it. I think the quote is so cute and totally applies to me because I’m always daydreaming and thinking up new ideas for stories. I decided to make this journal my ‘idea’ journal where I could brainstorm story ideas, character names, lyrics, T.V. show ideas etc…

Two books

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I absolutely love reading and escaping to a fictional world so it’s no surprise that I got some books. I’m so excited to put my reading socks on and wrapping myself up in a blanket to read my new books!

Skin care products

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I’ve been getting super into skincare products recently so that my dry and dull skin can be revived. First Aid Beauty is a brand that I’m hoping I’ll love all the products I got for Christmas. GlamGlow is another brand that I’ve been intrigued by lately so I was glad to get the Supermud clearing treatment mask. Hopefully these products will help my skin stay hydrated and bright during the winter.

Overall, I’m super happy and grateful for the gifts my family and friends got me. I couldn’t have asked for a better Christmas. Hope everyone else enjoyed their holidays!

Xo,
-Melissa

 

Let’s Talk About Dating Apps

I’m no stranger to dating apps, for the past four years I’ve been on Tinder, Bumble, OkCupid and Happn. Tinder and Bumble are the ones I’ve been on the most, OkCupid was interesting for about a month until all the creepy messages started irritating me and Happn only lasted a day on my phone. I find that Tinder has a lot of guys who just want to hookup and will 100% ghost you if you don’t put out. Bumble has less fuckboys than Tinder and more guys who actually want to date you. OkCupid is just a complete mess full of weird dudes and Happn is legitimately a stalking app. None of them are truly great and I’m still using them.

However, I’m still single and that could be because in 4 years of trying dating apps I’ve only gone on 5 dates and only one of those dates turned into a second date. So, what’s the problem, is it me or the apps? I’ve come to the realization that it is me because I get anxious and uncomfortable with the idea of meeting guys off dating apps. I overthink everything that could go wrong, if I look different in person or if the date is going to be super awkward. Yet, every once in a while, I’ll go on one in the effort to make myself think that I’m trying to ‘put myself out there’. But, even though I’ll go on dates, I still hate them because I never know what to except out of the date or how to be a normal human being and behave accordingly. I usually do my best to act outgoing during a date even if on the inside, I just want to go in bed, watch TV and pine over fictional characters.

Meeting new people in a sort of forced environment makes me feel awkward and I don’t understand how some people like it.  I don’t enjoy putting myself out there, is it because I’m scared of getting hurt? Probably, I mean I have a lot of issues when it comes to trusting guys (thanks dad!) and it’s getting so frustrating since I feel as if there’s something wrong with me. I feel like I should be meeting new people and socializing to make new friends or connections. But there’s something holding me back and I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried giving them up, yet every time I get bored or one of my friends gets a boyfriend I re-download one. I’m also not great at talking to guys at bars, partly due to my social anxiety, and because I’m a bit weird looking (resting bitch face wooo). So, what do you guys think, should I try dating apps some more or delete them and try to meet someone organically?

xoxo,

-Mel

Help Me Make Decisions!!

Ok, I know this probably sounds weird but I need help with my life. I feel like I’ve been playing it safe and hiding out from the world for far too long. Although, I’ve gotten better since school (I actually go out and socialize now lol), I still need some change. The only problem is that I’m really bad at making decisions and I tend to just avoid them. So, I decided to take a note from a book I loved reading back in high school called My Life Undecided. In that book, the main character decides to create a blog where people can vote on her life so that she doesn’t make any bad decisions.

Which is where you guys come in!  Every week I’m going to have polls about something in my life that you guys can vote on. No matter what my feelings are towards the situation, I will do what the winning poll says. I need you guys to help me make my life more exciting and to keep me from shying away from any opportunities. I need to put myself out there more and I’m hoping you guys will help!

So here it goes. I’m moving back to Toronto next week for university and I have the option to go back to my greasy old job or try something new. I don’t really want to go back to the theatre (long hours of making food, ugh) but I also really need a job since I’m pretty broke right now. So what should I do, play it safe or risk it?

xoxo,

-Mel

Real Talk: I’m Scared to Follow My Passion.

When I was 8 years old my mom decided to sign me up for a 2-week theatre summer camp. She did this because I was so shy and barely spoke in social situations. Well, I ended up loving it and since then acting has been my passion. Watching theatre plays, movies and TV shows have always solidified my dream to act. I’ve taken theatre and acting on camera classes for over 11 years and they’ve always filled me with hope. I love learning about theatre and meeting others who are also passionate about acting. But, as I grew older my self-esteem started to falter even though my dreams only got bigger. I kept taking theatre classes throughout high school yet my self-esteem was very low and it affected the way I acted. I was so sacred and anxious to act or to try because of how I’d look or how others would see me. Eventually, those insecurities became too much and when I moved away to Toronto for University – I stopped acting. At the time, I did have an agent (I got one when I was 15) but since my headshots hadn’t been updated for a while, I wasn’t getting any auditions. Of course, that stumped me for a bit and I found myself in a rut. So, I pushed it all down, pressed ‘pause’ on my dreams, and focused on my new life as a University student. Fast forward to three years later and I binged watch this TV show that sparked something inside of me. My dreams and my passion for acting have bubbled back up to a point that I can’t ignore it anymore. I have to get back on stage, It’s where I’ve always felt the most comfortable and gotten that sense of belonging. However, those insecurities that got me to stop acting are still there. They aren’t as intense as they used to be (thanks to my therapist!) but I still haven’t accepted myself fully. The thought of putting myself out there and letting others judge me so point-blank is absolutely terrifying. I know its a part of the acting world but it’s intimidating as hell. Which is why I’m scared to try again and let myself feel hopeful that my dreams could come true. But, if I don’t try I’ll regret it and that scares me just as much.

Some people might find this silly since acting is such a hard industry to succeed in but what if? What if I could make my dreams come true? And even if I don’t, which is a total possibility, why not let myself try. I feel like I should give myself the opportunity to try it again, even if it means I’ll have to work extremely hard to attempt to reach my goals. Yet there’s still that part of me that’s scared of rejection and wants to hide away to avoid that anxiety.

Have you guys ever dealt with struggling to handle your dreams? If yes, what did you do?

Let me know if you have advice for me or understand what I’m feeling!

Xoxo

-Mel

Another band guy (why do I do this to myself)

Every girl has that one type of crush that’s like kryptonite. Whether it’s a sports player, actor, artist, hipster or a ‘bad boy (or girl). In my case, my weakness are guys in bands and I know that a lot of them are ‘bad news’. But, I can’t help it. There’s something about a guy on a stage with a guitar, microphone or at the drums that hits me hard. Like yes, I’ll listen to you sing/play and I will most definitely swoon. Now, I’m not saying that I want to be a groupie and follow these band guys around the country. Which I’m sure is fun and I applaud the girls and boys who do that but it’s not my thing. I prefer to get fangirl obsessed with a guy in a band, follow him on all social media’s and then listen to all his songs on repeat. Most of the time the guy’s I’ll crush on are at a level of fame where he would be unattainable to me *cough* Harry Styles *cough*. However, last year I developed a   h u g e   crush on a drummer who was in a very small indie-pop band. We met in the summer and next thing I now we were regularly snapchatting and texting. I was so happy because it felt awesome knowing that a guy in a band was somewhat into me plus, it helped my self-esteem a bit. We ended up getting coffee one day after my shift at work had finished and it went well. Or so I thought. A few days after our ‘date’ the guy completely ghosted me and proceeded to unfollow me on Instagram, on my birthday. It broke my heart a bit because we had been talking for 6 months and he never gave me a reason why he stopped talking to me. I was so sure I had done something wrong but eventually realized he just wasn’t into me which is totally fine. I still wish that he had handle it a bit better instead of just pretending like nothing had happened but oh well.

Flash forward a year later, I get text from my best friend of this hot guy. Obviously, he’s in a band and obviously, I follow him on Instagram because why not. He follows me back and adds me on snapchat. I’m still not sure why but I guess my selfies aren’t as bad as I think they are. We started talking on snapchat a little bit with most of our conversations having to do with why we live so far apart. For about a month we stopped talking, I got busy with finals and he went on tour.

May rolls around and I’m back in my hometown living at my parent’s house for the summer. One day, my best friend who’s really into the punk rock scene asks me if I want to go to a show with her. I’m always down to go see live music so I said yes. And guess who’s in one of the opening bands, the guy I was snapping the previous month. It made me a bit anxious because he’s a lot hotter in person and well, I’m not. So, during the main band’s act I spotted him from across the room as he went upstairs. Like the creep that I am, I told my friends I was going to the washroom and went upstairs too. I bump into him and act surprised to see him. We chatted for a bit, all good stuff not awkward at all (thanks to alcohol). The show ends so we both go find our friends and I head over to a bar with my girls. Throughout the night, we were snapchatting and we’ve been talking on there since then (7 day snap streak woo). The only problem is that he lives in another country because of course, the one band guy who seems somewhat interested in me lives really far away. So here I am, complaining about my sorta-almost love life. It’s as if a part of me knows that it won’t work out and I go towards it instead of not wasting my time and dating someone who’s more vanilla and in my city. Or maybe I’m attracted to the drama of it all, who knows. The only thing I’m certain of, is that I don’t know what to do about my pathetic love life.  Toss me some advice if you have any…

Xoxo,

Mel