Ok, I know this probably sounds weird but I need help with my life. I feel like I’ve been playing it safe and hiding out from the world for far too long. Although, I’ve gotten better since school (I actually go out and socialize now lol), I still need some change. The only problem is that I’m really bad at making decisions and I tend to just avoid them. So, I decided to take a note from a book I loved reading back in high school called My Life Undecided. In that book, the main character decides to create a blog where people can vote on her life so that she doesn’t make any bad decisions.
Which is where you guys come in! Every week I’m going to have polls about something in my life that you guys can vote on. No matter what my feelings are towards the situation, I will do what the winning poll says. I need you guys to help me make my life more exciting and to keep me from shying away from any opportunities. I need to put myself out there more and I’m hoping you guys will help!
So here it goes. I’m moving back to Toronto next week for university and I have the option to go back to my greasy old job or try something new. I don’t really want to go back to the theatre (long hours of making food, ugh) but I also really need a job since I’m pretty broke right now. So what should I do, play it safe or risk it?
When I was 8 years old my mom decided to sign me up for a 2-week theatre summer camp. She did this because I was so shy and barely spoke in social situations. Well, I ended up loving it and since then acting has been my passion. Watching theatre plays, movies and TV shows have always solidified my dream to act. I’ve taken theatre and acting on camera classes for over 11 years and they’ve always filled me with hope. I love learning about theatre and meeting others who are also passionate about acting. But, as I grew older my self-esteem started to falter even though my dreams only got bigger. I kept taking theatre classes throughout high school yet my self-esteem was very low and it affected the way I acted. I was so sacred and anxious to act or to try because of how I’d look or how others would see me. Eventually, those insecurities became too much and when I moved away to Toronto for University – I stopped acting. At the time, I did have an agent (I got one when I was 15) but since my headshots hadn’t been updated for a while, I wasn’t getting any auditions. Of course, that stumped me for a bit and I found myself in a rut. So, I pushed it all down, pressed ‘pause’ on my dreams, and focused on my new life as a University student. Fast forward to three years later and I binged watch this TV show that sparked something inside of me. My dreams and my passion for acting have bubbled back up to a point that I can’t ignore it anymore. I have to get back on stage, It’s where I’ve always felt the most comfortable and gotten that sense of belonging. However, those insecurities that got me to stop acting are still there. They aren’t as intense as they used to be (thanks to my therapist!) but I still haven’t accepted myself fully. The thought of putting myself out there and letting others judge me so point-blank is absolutely terrifying. I know its a part of the acting world but it’s intimidating as hell. Which is why I’m scared to try again and let myself feel hopeful that my dreams could come true. But, if I don’t try I’ll regret it and that scares me just as much.
Some people might find this silly since acting is such a hard industry to succeed in but what if? What if I could make my dreams come true? And even if I don’t, which is a total possibility, why not let myself try. I feel like I should give myself the opportunity to try it again, even if it means I’ll have to work extremely hard to attempt to reach my goals. Yet there’s still that part of me that’s scared of rejection and wants to hide away to avoid that anxiety.
Have you guys ever dealt with struggling to handle your dreams? If yes, what did you do?
Let me know if you have advice for me or understand what I’m feeling!
Every girl has that one type of crush that’s like kryptonite. Whether it’s a sports player, actor, artist, hipster or a ‘bad boy (or girl). In my case, my weakness are guys in bands and I know that a lot of them are ‘bad news’. But, I can’t help it. There’s something about a guy on a stage with a guitar, microphone or at the drums that hits me hard. Like yes, I’ll listen to you sing/play and I will most definitely swoon. Now, I’m not saying that I want to be a groupie and follow these band guys around the country. Which I’m sure is fun and I applaud the girls and boys who do that but it’s not my thing. I prefer to get fangirl obsessed with a guy in a band, follow him on all social media’s and then listen to all his songs on repeat. Most of the time the guy’s I’ll crush on are at a level of fame where he would be unattainable to me *cough* Harry Styles *cough*. However, last year I developed a h u g e crush on a drummer who was in a very small indie-pop band. We met in the summer and next thing I now we were regularly snapchatting and texting. I was so happy because it felt awesome knowing that a guy in a band was somewhat into me plus, it helped my self-esteem a bit. We ended up getting coffee one day after my shift at work had finished and it went well. Or so I thought. A few days after our ‘date’ the guy completely ghosted me and proceeded to unfollow me on Instagram, on my birthday. It broke my heart a bit because we had been talking for 6 months and he never gave me a reason why he stopped talking to me. I was so sure I had done something wrong but eventually realized he just wasn’t into me which is totally fine. I still wish that he had handle it a bit better instead of just pretending like nothing had happened but oh well.
Flash forward a year later, I get text from my best friend of this hot guy. Obviously, he’s in a band and obviously, I follow him on Instagram because why not. He follows me back and adds me on snapchat. I’m still not sure why but I guess my selfies aren’t as bad as I think they are. We started talking on snapchat a little bit with most of our conversations having to do with why we live so far apart. For about a month we stopped talking, I got busy with finals and he went on tour.
May rolls around and I’m back in my hometown living at my parent’s house for the summer. One day, my best friend who’s really into the punk rock scene asks me if I want to go to a show with her. I’m always down to go see live music so I said yes. And guess who’s in one of the opening bands, the guy I was snapping the previous month. It made me a bit anxious because he’s a lot hotter in person and well, I’m not. So, during the main band’s act I spotted him from across the room as he went upstairs. Like the creep that I am, I told my friends I was going to the washroom and went upstairs too. I bump into him and act surprised to see him. We chatted for a bit, all good stuff not awkward at all (thanks to alcohol). The show ends so we both go find our friends and I head over to a bar with my girls. Throughout the night, we were snapchatting and we’ve been talking on there since then (7 day snap streak woo). The only problem is that he lives in another country because of course, the one band guy who seems somewhat interested in me lives really far away. So here I am, complaining about my sorta-almost love life. It’s as if a part of me knows that it won’t work out and I go towards it instead of not wasting my time and dating someone who’s more vanilla and in my city. Or maybe I’m attracted to the drama of it all, who knows. The only thing I’m certain of, is that I don’t know what to do about my pathetic love life. Toss me some advice if you have any…