I’m no stranger to dating apps, for the past four years I’ve been on Tinder, Bumble, OkCupid and Happn. Tinder and Bumble are the ones I’ve been on the most, OkCupid was interesting for about a month until all the creepy messages started irritating me and Happn only lasted a day on my phone. I find that Tinder has a lot of guys who just want to hookup and will 100% ghost you if you don’t put out. Bumble has less fuckboys than Tinder and more guys who actually want to date you. OkCupid is just a complete mess full of weird dudes and Happn is legitimately a stalking app. None of them are truly great and I’m still using them.
However, I’m still single and that could be because in 4 years of trying dating apps I’ve only gone on 5 dates and only one of those dates turned into a second date. So, what’s the problem, is it me or the apps? I’ve come to the realization that it is me because I get anxious and uncomfortable with the idea of meeting guys off dating apps. I overthink everything that could go wrong, if I look different in person or if the date is going to be super awkward. Yet, every once in a while, I’ll go on one in the effort to make myself think that I’m trying to ‘put myself out there’. But, even though I’ll go on dates, I still hate them because I never know what to except out of the date or how to be a normal human being and behave accordingly. I usually do my best to act outgoing during a date even if on the inside, I just want to go in bed, watch TV and pine over fictional characters.
Meeting new people in a sort of forced environment makes me feel awkward and I don’t understand how some people like it. I don’t enjoy putting myself out there, is it because I’m scared of getting hurt? Probably, I mean I have a lot of issues when it comes to trusting guys (thanks dad!) and it’s getting so frustrating since I feel as if there’s something wrong with me. I feel like I should be meeting new people and socializing to make new friends or connections. But there’s something holding me back and I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried giving them up, yet every time I get bored or one of my friends gets a boyfriend I re-download one. I’m also not great at talking to guys at bars, partly due to my social anxiety, and because I’m a bit weird looking (resting bitch face wooo). So, what do you guys think, should I try dating apps some more or delete them and try to meet someone organically?
When I was 8 years old my mom decided to sign me up for a 2-week theatre summer camp. She did this because I was so shy and barely spoke in social situations. Well, I ended up loving it and since then acting has been my passion. Watching theatre plays, movies and TV shows have always solidified my dream to act. I’ve taken theatre and acting on camera classes for over 11 years and they’ve always filled me with hope. I love learning about theatre and meeting others who are also passionate about acting. But, as I grew older my self-esteem started to falter even though my dreams only got bigger. I kept taking theatre classes throughout high school yet my self-esteem was very low and it affected the way I acted. I was so sacred and anxious to act or to try because of how I’d look or how others would see me. Eventually, those insecurities became too much and when I moved away to Toronto for University – I stopped acting. At the time, I did have an agent (I got one when I was 15) but since my headshots hadn’t been updated for a while, I wasn’t getting any auditions. Of course, that stumped me for a bit and I found myself in a rut. So, I pushed it all down, pressed ‘pause’ on my dreams, and focused on my new life as a University student. Fast forward to three years later and I binged watch this TV show that sparked something inside of me. My dreams and my passion for acting have bubbled back up to a point that I can’t ignore it anymore. I have to get back on stage, It’s where I’ve always felt the most comfortable and gotten that sense of belonging. However, those insecurities that got me to stop acting are still there. They aren’t as intense as they used to be (thanks to my therapist!) but I still haven’t accepted myself fully. The thought of putting myself out there and letting others judge me so point-blank is absolutely terrifying. I know its a part of the acting world but it’s intimidating as hell. Which is why I’m scared to try again and let myself feel hopeful that my dreams could come true. But, if I don’t try I’ll regret it and that scares me just as much.
Some people might find this silly since acting is such a hard industry to succeed in but what if? What if I could make my dreams come true? And even if I don’t, which is a total possibility, why not let myself try. I feel like I should give myself the opportunity to try it again, even if it means I’ll have to work extremely hard to attempt to reach my goals. Yet there’s still that part of me that’s scared of rejection and wants to hide away to avoid that anxiety.
Have you guys ever dealt with struggling to handle your dreams? If yes, what did you do?
Let me know if you have advice for me or understand what I’m feeling!
Every girl has that one type of crush that’s like kryptonite. Whether it’s a sports player, actor, artist, hipster or a ‘bad boy (or girl). In my case, my weakness are guys in bands and I know that a lot of them are ‘bad news’. But, I can’t help it. There’s something about a guy on a stage with a guitar, microphone or at the drums that hits me hard. Like yes, I’ll listen to you sing/play and I will most definitely swoon. Now, I’m not saying that I want to be a groupie and follow these band guys around the country. Which I’m sure is fun and I applaud the girls and boys who do that but it’s not my thing. I prefer to get fangirl obsessed with a guy in a band, follow him on all social media’s and then listen to all his songs on repeat. Most of the time the guy’s I’ll crush on are at a level of fame where he would be unattainable to me *cough* Harry Styles *cough*. However, last year I developed a h u g e crush on a drummer who was in a very small indie-pop band. We met in the summer and next thing I now we were regularly snapchatting and texting. I was so happy because it felt awesome knowing that a guy in a band was somewhat into me plus, it helped my self-esteem a bit. We ended up getting coffee one day after my shift at work had finished and it went well. Or so I thought. A few days after our ‘date’ the guy completely ghosted me and proceeded to unfollow me on Instagram, on my birthday. It broke my heart a bit because we had been talking for 6 months and he never gave me a reason why he stopped talking to me. I was so sure I had done something wrong but eventually realized he just wasn’t into me which is totally fine. I still wish that he had handle it a bit better instead of just pretending like nothing had happened but oh well.
Flash forward a year later, I get text from my best friend of this hot guy. Obviously, he’s in a band and obviously, I follow him on Instagram because why not. He follows me back and adds me on snapchat. I’m still not sure why but I guess my selfies aren’t as bad as I think they are. We started talking on snapchat a little bit with most of our conversations having to do with why we live so far apart. For about a month we stopped talking, I got busy with finals and he went on tour.
May rolls around and I’m back in my hometown living at my parent’s house for the summer. One day, my best friend who’s really into the punk rock scene asks me if I want to go to a show with her. I’m always down to go see live music so I said yes. And guess who’s in one of the opening bands, the guy I was snapping the previous month. It made me a bit anxious because he’s a lot hotter in person and well, I’m not. So, during the main band’s act I spotted him from across the room as he went upstairs. Like the creep that I am, I told my friends I was going to the washroom and went upstairs too. I bump into him and act surprised to see him. We chatted for a bit, all good stuff not awkward at all (thanks to alcohol). The show ends so we both go find our friends and I head over to a bar with my girls. Throughout the night, we were snapchatting and we’ve been talking on there since then (7 day snap streak woo). The only problem is that he lives in another country because of course, the one band guy who seems somewhat interested in me lives really far away. So here I am, complaining about my sorta-almost love life. It’s as if a part of me knows that it won’t work out and I go towards it instead of not wasting my time and dating someone who’s more vanilla and in my city. Or maybe I’m attracted to the drama of it all, who knows. The only thing I’m certain of, is that I don’t know what to do about my pathetic love life. Toss me some advice if you have any…